Last year, I wanted to go and live in Israel for a year after high school but I'm not so sure about that anymore. Not that anything in Israel has changed my mind, but I just honestly have no idea what I want to do. I'm hoping going to Israel and Poland this year will help me decide on my after high school activities. I was originally thinking about Nativ--a year long program--but I'm waiting to hear what Anastassia thinks about her time on it. Not that I would decide entirely based on what she says because she and I have very different tastes on many different things.

There was a bunch of Anti-Semitist drawings last night. On the Jewish Center, HOJMI sign, the Holocaust memorial and apparently even at Chabbad. I don't know why people bother. I mean, words are bad, but they are just words. These people are cowards. They come in the dark of night and write horrible things and then disappear because they are ashamed of their actions. They are saying words to say words and hurt people. Kids my age say stuff like that and draw swastikas and I'm not even sure they fully understand what it means. I hate that people are so ignorant and that their ignorance is their excuse to say whatever they want. It isn't and it shouldn't be. It was funny. Fraser texted me the news while I was sitting in the Jewish Film Festival at Beth Tzedec. Oh they didn't do anything at Beth Tzedec by the way which is a good thing. Probably because of all the City trucks parked outside working on the roads.

The rabbi woke me up with a text this morning at 7:20. I was so mad I sent him a text requesting that he never text me that early in the morning again on a weekend. I mean, I am a teenager. I sleep. I do not have children who wake me up that early on a Sunday morning. Yeah right. So hopefully he will not do that again but will refrain from bringing it up tomorrow when I don't know if I will be able to be gracious. Though of course I will be. I need to work on that though--my patience. I've noticed I can be a bitch to some people when I find them asking annoying questions--or rather questions that I find annoying. So I'm going to try to increase my tolerance.

Kevin asked about coming to Sweeney today. That would be fun if he does but I don't know if he actually will. Guess I'll have to wait and see. Oh everything is revolving around Sweeney right now. Mom and Dad say they will be glad when it's over and I have time for more stuff that they want me to do but I'm not sure. Things will seem very empty without Sweeney to occupy my after school hours. I suppose I'll have to find some other way to spend my time. I think Mom and Dad would be glad if I worked more on netball and went to more practices, or worked out in general more. There's nothing wrong with me though! They just want me to go so I can get fitter with them. Not that it's a bad thing, but I'm not exactly unfit. I'm also going to try to get Paula to let me move onto the Cygnets' team. Not that I don't love my own, middle aged female one, but being on a team with girls my own age will be more to my liking. I realized at the tournament yesterday--Cygnets, who I was playing with won 2nd place!!!--that I really wasn't working/trying my hardest when playing with United and I should be. So I'll talk to Paula or she will talk to me next week. We'll see what happens.

I also need to finish Hunchback of Notre Dame because I stupidly decided to use it for my portfolio. I think I just need to buckle down and READ IT DAMMIT! Otherwise I will be in trouble. But I will just probably use the Princess Bride or something instead. We'll see.

Am I really that weird and unapproachable and unlikeable that people are surprised when I get invited to parties? Or do they have problems with me that they just don't tell me about so I think that they like me when in reality they don't?  I'm just a little confused and hurt.  I hate feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under me because then I start feeling unsure of myself.  But I know that it's not true.  I know that I am a great person.  Or rather, I know that in the back of my mind, but at the moment I don't.  

Screw people and their secretive text messages.  Can't people make friends with other people and be invited places?  Hmmm?  

Whatever. It doesn't matter.  I'll get over it. I'll live. I will survive.  Hahaha.

 So things have been pretty busy lately. 

I am not really getting home till 7:30 or 8 because of rehearsals.  It depends on whether I take the bus or not--which takes forever, btw!  I don't know what genius randomly decides that buses should only run once an hour sometimes but it's no fun, let me tell you.  Whatever.  Sweeney is coming along nicely despite the fact that today we had a bunch of word mixups.  They weren't too noticeable though so that if they do happen in the actual performances no one will really catch on except for us.  It's amazing how much we as actors can get away with before the audience realizes.  It will be exciting though.  I mean, we have thrown this huge production together in a short(er) amount of time than we are normally used to.  But I think that it will be good all the same.   
 

Matt, Jessica and Joe came to visit today for a while.  It was nice to see them.  I kind of wish that they were still at Wisewood and in the Drama program.  It really, really, really is not the same without them. But that's part of life I suppose.  I dunno what I'm gonna do next year when I actually have to graduate. I'm crazy and don't know what I want to do yet though I have different ideas and interests in various areas.  I was interested in being a counsellor for Kids Help Phone, but that would involve moving to Ontario which I'm not sure I even want to do.  Much as everyone else seems to hate it, I like Calgary.  Maybe I'm just a baby and I'm immature and not ready to leave, haha. 

The Jewish film festival is on again.  I am working selling tickets and then I get to go in and see the movies for free.  The only really good one so far has been this one about a fat Israeli--in Israel--who diets don't work for and who keeps gaining weight.  In this Japanese restaurant where he gets this job though, he learns about sumo wrestling and manages to start his own sumo wrestling club.  It was actually really cute and funny and definitely the best one that I have seen yet this year. I'm hoping that the other ones get better. 

Anyway I didn't get home till 9 tonight and luckily I did my pressing hmwrk before JSU.  The rest is Bio and can be handed in Thursday and Friday.  I'm tired though and still have a bit to do around the house so I am done for the night.  Need sleep! 

Good luck to everyone in everything that's going on. More about life later! 

It got better after that first night though.  I mean the next day was good.  It was an entire trust day.  And we had LONG processes.  We got woken up at 6:30, breakfast at 7:30 and our first class was around 8:30 or so.  They went for 5 hour stretches but I was never really bored.  Well except when someone got up to go to the bathroom and the rest of us just sat there in silence waiting for them to get back.  Let me tell you, never give 37 teenagers pens that they can click. It drove me nuts! haha  But yeah we did the whole trust thing where you got blindfolded and had a partner lead you around and you had to trust them.  I had no problem with that.  Albert and I were partners.  We did good haha.  And at the end they were all "did you know you switched partners?" I totally didn't feel it...but that was because they didn't switch mine.  

Anyway after that we did this whole throwing some balls down a line of people without talking and without dropping it etc....Then we fit all of us onto these spread out benches and had to put ourselves in alphabetical order by last name without stepping off the bench.  So that was a lot of work. Oh yeah!  the whole weekend they just called us by our last names and we were class 7061 and we had numbers based on where we were sitting.  It was very military and I didn't like it at first. But anyway the bench thing was fun even though we didn't quite manage to complete it.  Got very close with some people :P

After that we went back inside and literally had to climb a ladder and fall back and depend on our group to catch us.  Of course when I fall back there's a little kid as part of the zipper and I kind of got dropped.  I squished him actually and I felt really bad.  But it's okay.  I would fall on them again because for the most part they did catch me.  

We did a lot of shouting this weekend too.  Like, a lot.  We were told to let go, let loose, leave ourselves and lose our inhibitions.  It worked.  We supported each other like crazy; clapping, screaming, shouting, cheering.  It was really nice and then we also screamed ourselves hoarse trying to give our speeches over all that noise.  But it was worth it.  So worth it. 

I dunno how but this whole experience made me realize that I am a wonderful, deserving person.  If I want things to happen in my life though, I have to make them happen and I can't be afraid.  I have to see the worst case scenario and not be afraid of it.  The thing is, I really did used to be afraid and nervous and self conscious.  I didn't think I was a good enough person to merit friendships and every time I got left out of something I figured that it was my fault and I had done something to deserve it.  Maybe I did, but it was more because I allowed myself to just be pushed to the side instead of telling other people how I was feeling and what I needed from them.  I think it was all because I had some friendship issues when I was younger and they just kept going and getting bigger as I got older.  Before, I wouldn't have had friends if I did what I wanted.  Now I can do what I want and have friends at the same time.  

Everyone is (you are) right.  It is important to let go of relationships you feel are unhealthy or are holding you back.  I guess I can't be offended when someone does that to me because I can't really see how my friendship is affecting them and whether it really is influencing them negatively.  I can only accept that they are doing what is best for them and get over it.  I can't take it personally because it really isn't about me--or it may be a little--but it is mostly about them and what they are feeling.  

Anyway I have realized that for people to help and understand me, I have to tell them things.  I have to confide in them and trust them not to hurt me.  And if they do then I have to learn from that experience.  I have to believe in myself and use only the words that will help make me more powerful and confident.  That is what I learned this weekend. I know a lot of it may sound hokey and it may sound like I have been brainwashed, but I haven't.  I have just realized things and realized that I am a deserving, caring person who has a ton of love to give.  So if some people don't want it, that's fine with  me.

I am really really happy to hear that you are doing so well Sarah.  I know that you've probably deleted me off here or whatever but still.  If Jacob can see this and you can't, he can tell you.  I am so happy for you and proud of you and your entire post made me smile.  I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when/if you needed me and that I wasn't the right friend for you.  But yeah, it sounds like you are doing really well and I am actually over the moon about how happy you seem.  
So yeah if you want to keep in touch...well I always love to hear from you.  And I want to.  But no pressure haha.  If I am toxic it's all good and I can accept that.  Bye for now hun.  Hope things are good!  Love you!
 

We started Sweeney.  I didn't get the part.  I am the bird seller.  I have three lines and an understudy.  I was/am pretty disappointed but I am getting over it.  There are no small parts, only small roles, and I get to hang out with my friends for hours after school so it's all good.  The music for Sweeney is really hard.  We won't be doing all the parts but I actually think things will work out.  We're doing pretty well with all the songs we've tried so far.  Mrs. Sedman gets kind of annoyed with our A.D.D-ness sometimes but she is also supremely happy that we are doing a good job.  
Joel is Sweeney, Lauren is Mrs. Lovett, Brianne is Joanna, CJ is Anthony, Amy is the beggar woman (Lucy), Alex Eck is the Judge and Ryan is the Beadle.  So a pretty good cast. 

I'm still T.A.ing for Mrs. Sedman's Drama ESL class.  It's fun but really challenging sometimes.  A lot of the time, it's just that they don't understand what they're supposed to be doing and the rest of the time they're just being difficult, haha.  They're all nice kids though and I think they don't mind me being a T.A. for them.  I'm hoping they don't hate me anyway :P

Rosh Hashana is coming up, and Yom Kippur.  I'm planning on asking for forgiveness for my petty jealousy and self centeredness.  I also need to ask for more self confidence because without it I get lonely and upset and then I become a bad person.  I just need to accept that some people are more liked than others and are easier to get to know and I am apparently not one of those people. 

Fraser is back in the picture.  Or as in the picture as he ever was I guess.  He is going to Wisewood now, so I see him just about every day even though for the first week or two of school he didn't really acknowledge my existence much.  He even stopped texting me which was kind of a jerkish thing to do.  

Last Thursday or Friday though I went to the football game with Victoria.  Taylor was "playing" so he wanted Vic to come watch.  They're a funny couple but they seem to really like each other so what can I say? Anyway, we were at the football game and Amanda and Chris (I don't know his last name) and two other guys were there so Vic and I sat with Amanda.  I love that girl!  I'm talking about both Victoria and Amanda here.  
Then Conner Rodewald and some of his friends got there and a little while after that, Jordana and Ashley Burns and Fraser showed up--with a hamster.  Apparently this girl had just given it to them.  I dunno about them, but my parents would kill me if I just randomly brought home another animal.  Without a good reason anyway. 
Amanda and Chris and whoever decided to leave near the end because there was really no way Wisewood could turn it around (it was 21-0).  So Jordana told Victoria and I to come sit with them.  So we did.  I didn't really look at Fraser or try to talk to him because he was the one who was all "my friends would tease me if they saw us together" etc....  Just paid attention to the game and talked to Victoria and Jordana and played with Beatrice (the hamster) a little bit.  Then left.  And then, that night.....

Fraser texted me and was all "You didn't even acknowledge me at the football game today until I took that paper from you." Bahahahaha !  Lol I am such a horrible person that this type of thing makes me happy but, whatever.  He's acknowledging me now in any case and we'll see where it goes--if it goes anywhere which is kind of unlikely in some respects.  Most respects actually.  

Shoshana is thinking of going away again.  She wants more of a Jewish community she says but I think she just doesn't want to live with her Mom breathing down her neck anymore.  Even though she still gets more freedom than I do in those respects.  I don't think I want to be like her though.  I just want people to like me like they all seem to like her.  But yeah, I don't want to get to the point where hookups are casual and kissing is meaningless, it's just for fun.  I don't want to kiss three guys in a weekend (not that she's done that lately) and really like one guy and then when another, "better" one comes along going after him instead.  It's not about the chase or the catch or whatever for me.  Probably why I don't have a boyfriend yet and haven't.  We'll see if I do.

Aviva is getting so pretty!  It's unfair.  She's gonna be taller than me and way prettier too.
But she keeps using my stuff which is really annoying me especially because every time she does something goes wrong.  She deleted my entire memory off my phone while we were in Vancouver and I cried.  Then, she took to using my eyeliner and broke that and then she "fixed" it, but she's still using it and it's really pissing me off!

Anyway I have to go get ready for school.  Make sure I haven't forgotten anything.  
 

I tried out for Mrs. Lovett today and Mrs. Sedman isn't posting the cast until Friday.  I will go insane!!!  Well not insane really, but it is a little nerve wracking.  I mean, I can hardly even remember the audition.  It just...went by so fast.  So I can only hope that I did okay.  People seemed to like it anyway.  Got a big round of applause (both when I got up and sat down which I thought was sweet).  I like having such supportive friends even if we are competing for the same roles.  Lauren tried out for Mrs. Lovett too.  And Amy did.  Arielle wasn't even there today so I'm glad about that.  I would have been really nervous to sing in front of her just because I would have felt that she out of everyone was actually judging me.  I mean, I know Mrs. Sedman has to judge us on our voices and stuff like that, but I was thinking more that Arielle would be mean judgmental since sometimes it feels like she just doesn't like me.  So I don't want to lose to her!  

Today was a pretty good day though I need to go to bed and get my sleep ASAP.  I'll just finish this up quickly and then go crash.  

We played the Line Mime game in Drama ESL today where you have the five people in a line and the first person gets an action and has to act it out to the second person, and the second person to the third person, etc....  So Joel was picking out the scene for me and guess what he gives me?  Trying on a bra for the first time.  And all the people in the lineup were GUYS!  Ughhh!  Haha it was hilarious though even though I refused to do it at first.  Everyone was all "oh, do it, do it!" even though they had no idea what it was they were asking me to do.  They went wild in the first five seconds when they realized what I was doing.  Pretty embarrassing but also pretty funny so it was all good. And I did not do it the second time at the end.  Once was enough for me!  I swear Joel has a thing with my breasts (and yes, I do know he's a guy).  First voluptuous and now this?  

I just really need someone to tell me that I did well today and not because I told them they did really good.  But no one's really gonna tell me if they think someone else is going to get the part or someone else was better.  Plus we still have two more days worth of auditions.  I guess I'm glad that I got the audition over with but now this is going to be an agonizing wait.  

Well I am exhausted and I think I have done as much of this Bio lab tonight that I can.  I need my notes for the rest.  Ahhh I have Bio and Chem at the same time.  Everyone is saying that they are going to be brutal.  Guess I'll have to wait and see.

Rut and I had a total breakdown in Chem yesterday.  We were in the lab and Sawchuk was making us do this exercise where we have to figure out what all the things are called.  Needless to say Rut and I failed at it.  We had things on our list like: turkey baster, mini gravy boat and, (originally), scoopy thingy.  That was pretty much almost the highlight of my day.  That and Sawchuk saying that pills don't work because they promise to add three inches.......and he's still short!  That still makes me laugh a little bit.

But  I have realized that instead of being a nice, patient person, I am a bitch.  Like, a huge bitch.  I keep getting ridiculously impatient with Rut.  I mean, in my defense, she asks the same questions over and over, and some of them are really obvious.  And some of them, she should just LISTEN in class to find out the answers!!!  I dunno, I think it's because Rut and I have been in classes together for a while.  See this is why I could never be in a relationship.  People who are always asking/telling me to spend time with them (constantly), like Rut telling me that I have to sit beside her in Chem and then getting mad at me if I don't makes me REALLY annoyed.  I mean, just because she doesn't seem to have any other friends in the class doesn't mean I don't have anyone.  I do!  And then if I don't sit with her, or say something, she's like "oh, you hate me" .  Or when we're talking to Emily in LA she's like "yeah, Gabby hates me." "Gabby is so mean to me."  "Gabby doesn't want to spend time with me."  And I'm like... UGH!!!!!!!!!!!  Seriously, you're making me not like you at the moment!  But I love Rut.  Just...not at the moment obviously.  She just needs to get more secure and chill and maybe try to make friends with the other kids in the class.  Or, she should just deal with it because I don't wanna deal with the "you have to sit beside me today."  "You have to sit beside me in Chem today."  "Are you going to sit beside me in Chem today?" for the rest of the semester.  I will go NUTS.

Okay, now that that's out, I'm good.  Well I hope I am anyway.  I may have to have another rant later.

Oh and I get to see Julie tonight!  She came in for the weekend for our Goodbye-Noy, Shabbat party.  And then Heidi is coming into Calgary on Monday till Wednesday!!!  Hehe I am very excited.  More for Heidi actually than Julie though because Julie wants to see everyone and we actually weren't that close until she left because Shoshana and Jordana and everyone were all over her.  I don't like butting in or intruding and stuff.  But if I get to see Heidi, I'll see people from camp too who i want to see and because I absolutely love Heidi haha.  So...excitement in general!!! XD

Good place to stop.  While I'm happy and excited for everyone coming.  Yayyy!

I have to clean a little since I am hoping that some people from camp will be able to come over tomorrow for a last get-together. I'm not sure whether I should get any games or anything or if we will all just hang out and talk and chill, etc.  Hopefully people will show up because not that many people have confirmed OR denied. Very difficult. 

And I got the feeling that Sam was ignoring me on FB even though he responded to my text saying sorry that he hadn't replied yet but that he had been working.  So I honestly don't know.  Whatever, I'll see how everything works out tomorrow and go from there. 

Got to stop overthinking things. 

Oooo and I'm getting my haircut on Friday and Shani wants me to come to shul Saturday because we haven't seen each other all summer and she has tons to tell me.  I'm sure some of it will be juicy, knowing her.  But I don't begrudge any of it to her.  Much....I think I just have a jealous personality or something.  It's late though and I should sleep.